wooooooooow!

I guess its been FOREVER since I've blogged last...so much going on with me. Bryan and I have decided to divorce. Something I always thought would be an easy decision to make, but it was definitely far from it. I can't say that I will never miss him, but I think that part of our lives are over. I'll never be able to get over the fact that he cheated on me numerous times, I will never be able to trust him again. I've tried so many times and I just can't move past it and trust him. He swears I cheated on him, but that's not the case so for those of you that read this that have heard that story from him, its simply not true. I'm not going into the details because I don't think that our "dirty laundry" has a place to be aired out online. That's been done enough.(but never by me) Logan and I are currently living with my mother in NC. He's adjusting quite well to the change, he's been super clingy to mommy though. Its been three months, wonder when that's going to get a little better! He got to see snow for the first time EVER about a week before Christmas, heck it was MY first time too! 27 years old and I had never seen snow LoL. So, I bundled us up, and we went outside and played in it for HOURS. We had a BLAST! He was throwin snow balls at me and he made a snow angel, he was MAD when it was time for us to come in.This is my lil man catchin snow flakes on his tongue!

Mom was pushin him down the hill in his lil plastic pool. He was loving it! Ever since that night he's been BEGGING for snow and unfortunately for him, there's no more in the forecase any time soon. Poor kid! LoL

What the HELL!

Well Carra, this is where you and I differ...you and your mom's relationship is completely gone...and you and your dad are so close, but now its the opposite for me! My dad and I rarely speak and my mom and I are super close....UGH! I finally decided I HATE his new wife...I'm not just talkin bout, dislikin her a whole bunch, nope, I hate that bitch, I really think that I do! Last Monday, my cousin Michelle came down to FL(she lives in NC) and she said that if I wanted to ride back to NC with her, she'd take me to my mom's, its kind of right on the way to her house anyhow. Then we decided that on Friday night I'd spend the night with Michelle and her fiance Robert in Greensboro. So I called my dad and let him know that I'd be in Greensboro on Friday evening and he sounded excited and wanted to see us(since that's where he lives too) so I got excited since I hadn't seen him in a while and told him I'd call him on Friday. When Michelle and I got about halfway back up to NC I called my dad and told him that we were halfway up and he just sounded so aggravated with me and acted like he didn't really want to talk to me. So I got a lil upset, but I was/am sick and just didn't have the energy to deal with it. So then I called him when we got up and he still was acting like a jerk, but I really wanted to make sure my son got to see his Grandfather so I went ahead and met up with him anyhow. We got to the restraunt at the time we SAID we would be there and of course they're 20 fucking minutes late, because that's the kind of thing she does....so we sat there just waiting. When they got there, my dad gave Logan a hug and I stood up to give him a hug and she's all standing behind me(she being my fathers bitch of a wife btw) with her hands on her hips, MAJOR fucking attitude and dirty looks and is all like "well ain't you gonna give ME a hug" at this point, I'd had a bad day, I'll admit that, me being sick, being on the road all day long, a hungry 2yr old that's been waiting for 20 minutes for these assholes to show up, I did what any NORMAL person would do, I put my hands on my hips, got in her face and mocked her...(don't dish it out if you can't take it, ya know?) so then she looks me in the face and says "Yeah I know, I've gotten almost just as big as YOU are" For the first time in my life I was speechless...yeah I know, you people don't believe that but I was seriously fucking speechless and I think most of it was tryin to hold back tears. I mean FUCK I KNOW I'm a big girl, and I'm OK with that, but who in the FUCK do YOU think you are, talkin some shit like that? I mean, I've been made fun of all my life and I'm finally Ok with who I am, but this bitch who doesn't really know me for shit just walks into my life and thinks that she can say things like that to me, I went and made Logan a plate and came back to the table, and was talking to MY DAD, no one else, but MY DAD and I knew that he was off Wednesday and Thursday of this week so I told him that if he wanted, he could drive down(its about an hour drive) and pick up Logan and he could have him for the night on Wednesday night so he could spend some time with him. He was all for it, until she gave me a NASTY fucking look and said "I DON"T THINK SO" and basically made him say no.I about lost it, this is the man who used to tell people that Logan was his buddy, he LIVED with us when Logan was born and after Logan came home. He was ALWAYS holding Logan and we had to fight him to hold our own son LOL and now here he was letting his wife dictate whether or not he was going to spend time with his grandson. I've cried so many times since then, my feelings are completely hurt. How the fuck can he honestly sit back and say that's how he's gonna live his life? My son LOVES him, and LOVES spending time with him, but now because of his wife, he's not spending shit with him. I'm just so angry and I want to write him off, but I don't how to do that b/c he's my dad and I never thought that of all people HE would do this shit to me(or to any of us kids...)

On the verge of losing my marbles...

I'm really at a crossroads with my child lately. The terrible twos have hit HARD and I'm not sure what to do anymore. I'm at the point where I cry, my nerves are shot, and I'm out of options. NOTHING works for him anymore. Taking things, time out, even gone as far as to spank, and NOTHING phases this child. He cries for a moment and goes back to what he was doing before. I've even tried distractions and bribes. Someone PLEASE tell me WTF I'm doing wrong here. His sleeping patterns have completely changed, although we knew it would happen. His nap is starting to become more and more nonexistant, yet, when he doesn't take one, he's so tired, he doesn't know what to do with himself. At bedtime, its a struggle EVERY single night, he cries like some one is trying to cut his arms off. He literally REFUSES to fall asleep in his own bed. Yet if we get him out of bed and let him fall asleep elsewhere he will sleep in his bed all night long(usually), but these past few nights have been complete and total HELL on me. The first night he was up until MIDNIGHT and FINALLY fell asleep on the couch, then at 4:30a.m. was wide awake and thought it was time to play. He took a decent nap, but then last night, he went through his usual bed time fight and Bryan went in and laid down next to his bed with him and he went to sleep in his bed. Low and behold at 5a.m. he was WIDE awake. Today at nap time, we fought for OVER an hour(might have even be close to two) and he REFUSED to fall asleep, when he finally did, he MIGHT have slept for 45 minutes and he's back up and back to the usual shit that drives me crazy. Everything makes him mad, he throws shit, he kicks, he hits, he screams, he bites, he head butts. I don't know what to do with him. I love this child more than my own life, he is my freakin world, but its to the point where I cry constantly because I don't know what to do. I'm so frustrated with him. I've never encountered anything quite like him before. My anxiety level is ridiculous. I've never experienced anything like this before with my levels. No one, not even really Bryan understands where I'm coming from when I try and talk to people about it, they've NEVER seen this side of him, he really only acts like this when its just him and I. Except for the bedtime fight, obviously Bry has seen that, but that's it. Tell me, what the hell am I supposed to do with this kid. How am I supposed to deal with this? Please help me before I pull all of my hair out. I'm at my wits end!

some updating

Lots going on lately!!! We FINALLY got Logan fitted for his braces(if you're interested, google AFO braces, if nothing comes up let me know) It took over a month to get this stuff figured out. I finally just asked his pt for the number to the place and when I called, the lady told me that the only reason they hadn't called me is because they had his prescription, but they didn't have any contact info for me!!!!!! WTF! I was so pissed. Way to drop the ball there guys! I was worried about the fitting, he HATES people messin with his feet. Things went surprisingly well, we were able to get in and out within a few minutes. Everything about them is custom, he was able to choose the pattern he wanted, the velcro and the padding colors. When I saw a pattern with big trucks, I automatically KNEW he would be in love and that's what he would choose...nope, he passed up the trucks and went straight for spider man! LOL So he will have spider man braces and then spiderman blue velcro and padding. We go back Sept. 10th to pick them up and make sure everything is good with them. Physical therapy is going well....WHEN he cooperates. I feel bad most days, his PT is at her wits end with him....usually 15 minutes out of a 30minute session is spent chasing him and BEGGING him to cooperate. We're making SOME progress with the small amount of time we get with him, but its not as much as we'd like. But we're getting there, I can definitely tell a lot of differences in him, especially up and down the stairs and jumping. Hopefully we can get something figured out soon so that he can continue to improve and we can get this problem fixed with him! His speech is really starting to improve, he's repeating EVERYTHING so we've had to really cut back and really be careful what we say. Other than that, things are "ok" but I'm going to put another update up for that one, because its a totally different scenerio all together.

An update on all things Logan =)

so, Logan started PT this last Monday. We didn't do a whole bunch, the goal of the first appointment is to assess and see what they feel is needed. I didn't have to do a whole bunch of talking, just kind of helped them get some stuff done with him(his favorite word as of late is NO) so at the end of the appointment we still can't figure out what it is that is causing all of this...which is a lil discouraging because the more we rule out, the closer to cerebral palsy we are. I'm not terribly upset about it, Its not going to be a huge set back and I won't look at him any differently. Its just discouraging that if this it what it is, it took us 2 years to catch it..sooo the PT has suggested that we have him fitted for braces. All I'm waiting for is the place that makes and fits them, to call me with an appointment, its been 2 days and so far nothing, I'm a bit discouraged with that...other than that, we are potty training and doing quite well, for the most part he comes to me and tells me when he has to go and its rare that he has any accidents except for poop...go figure
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yeah isn't he cute? This is after one of those nice poo painting sessions where you just wanna scream! I love my life...yes, i really do *sigh*

I think I'm gonna be sick.....

Not sure how much I'll update for a while. Just some personal things going on that I'm not going to air for the entire world to see. A COUPLE of you know what's going on and that's as far as its going right now. Just pretty much I feel stupid and humiliated and I really should have seen it coming. I should have known better. So for now, if I'm distant and I don't answer your phone calls or your emails or your IM's or your texts..just bear with me. Quite frankly I'm not in the mood to talk to ANYONE, its hard to talk to my mom even and its also taking me EVERYTHING I have in me just to write this much of a blog. I haven't the energy or the want. Please know that I AM ok and I WILL be ok. Please don't worry, I'll be my old bloggin usual self, eventually =)

Update on Logan's legs

*sigh* So, Logan's appointment went better than I thought. It was pretty informative. There are several things that they're looking at. He DOES see the fact that his legs/feet are not straight. He walks on his tip toes and his feet/ankles turn and roll in and he noticed all of that. Although like ALL orthos (mom's that have been through this, back me up!) they don't agree with braces and just like I figured he tried to tell me they were a bad idea. However, physical therapy will make that final call. We had to go upstairs to the lab where they drew blood for a test called CPK(not positive on what that means, you'll have to google it) they also took xrays which came back surprisingly normal. His bones are completely straight and developed like they should be, so the feet and ankle issue LOOKS like its going to be quite possibly a tendon/ligament issue. He did mention something bout a possible MILD MILD case of cerebral palsy because he was born so early(its not as scary as it sounds) All I'm waiting on now is a call from PT to get an appointment and decide where we go from there. We also have to follow up with the ortho in 6 mos to see how things are correcting. Will keep you all updated!